Whirldwind

July 1, 2017
In early July we were introduced to Chase, a 17-month-old boy, as his birthmother was considering placing him for adoption. We welcomed him into our home on several occasions - it was an opportunity for all of us to see if it was a good fit. For Jim and myself, we didn't need much convincing. Chase is all toddler boy - crazy and active; full of love and joy just oozing out of him. We were patient with his birthmother as she decided what to do. In mid August, we set a court date for consent, and she cancelled it. This happened several times and Jim and I felt it was best to move on and accept that she wasn't ready. It hurt. Bad. We loved him. We wanted to add him to our family. It took the wind out of us and we decided to contact Angel Adoption.


August 22, 2017


From: Jim and Anne

Date: Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 12:59 PM

. . . . . . .

We understand it is very limiting. In fact, it's our last resort before ending our contract completely. If you just want to put our last 3 months on "hold", that is fine too. If we choose to ever use those months, we'll let you know. 

We just can't keep doing this. It's difficult to believe there are many couples that have positive, successful outcomes through your process. Obviously we have had a ridiculously awful experience, and maybe we're just "unlucky". Whatever it is, it is unbearable. 

If I knew then, what I know now; about the potential heartbreak, disrespect, and expenses that this journey includes, I would have closed the door two years ago. What we have been through has taken the light from our eyes. And it's changed how we feel about birth mothers and their intentions. This process has nearly broken us. 

The worst of it is....we still want to be parents. But we are absolutely exhausted by the process in which that has to happen. 

I don't know what is best for us anymore. If a miracle baby is born and a birth mother contacts you & you share our profile, and she selects us, the risk is minimal if anything. And really, that's what we need -  Low Risk. That's all we can consider bearing right now.  

 Anne & Jim

August 23, 2017

From: Samantha 

Date: Wed, Aug 23, 2017 at 5:37 PM
Subject: baby girl in Houston

Despite the emails from yesterday, I'm reaching out with hope in my heart. I sat with Liz this morning to discuss this and neither of us could rationalize not presenting this situation to you. It's as close as we will get to what you have requested. We understand if you want to pass, I have another family I can contact. This situation came to us yesterday and has since developed today. 

If you are willing to give it one last try, we would need you in Houston, TX asap and in order to do the agency placement with Little Flowers (TX agency), there cannot be ANY criminal history in your home study.

Little Flowers will coordinate relinquishment signing with birth mom 48 hours after birth. With the agency placement, it will be irrevocable. 

I asked about "cradle care" so that you would not have to be there until after signing takes place, but it's unavailable in Houston and the hospital needs a family there for baby's release. I can put you in touch for further instructions and advice. ***They did say there's expected flooding in Houston over the next few days, so that may deter travel plans. ***

*** Hurricane Harvey***

Hurricane Harvey was an extremely destructive Atlantic hurricane which became the first major hurricane to make landfall in the United States since Wilma in 2005, ending a record 12-year span in which no hurricanes made landfall at such an intensity in the country. In a four-day period, many areas received more than 40 inches of rain as the system meandered over eastern Texas and adjacent waters, causing catastrophic flooding.

Harvey then began to rapidly intensify on August 24, regaining tropical storm status and becoming a hurricane later that day. While the storm moved generally northwest, Harvey's intensification phase stalled slightly overnight from August 24–25; however, Harvey soon resumed strengthening and quickly became a major hurricane and attained Category 4 intensity later that day. Hours later, Harvey made landfall near Rockport, Texas, at peak intensity. Afterwards, rapid weakening ensued, and Harvey had degraded to a tropical storm as it stalled near the coastline of the state, dropping torrential and unprecedented amounts of rainfall over the Lone Star state.

August 23, 2017 cont. 

 We decided to give it "one last shot". We packed a full-size luggage bag with all of the baby stuff we could find, and a carry-on bag for both Jim and myself. To be honest, I don't remember who we called... my mom? Ashley? Anyway, it's all a blur... We booked one way flights for 5 am 8/24/2017, we dropped off Leonard at Uncle Mike's and were headed to Chicago by 8 pm. On the way to the Midway Airport hotel, we contacted the Texas agency to discuss the potential adoption. After knowing a few more details, we decided to postpone our flights to later in the day Friday, so that the social workers could meet with the birthmother. We hardly slept.

August 24, 2017

The morning hours were AGONIZING as we waited to hear from the social worker that we were "good to go" to come to Texas. Around 11:30 am, we got the call - It looked as good as it could  - we need to board the plane! On the flight (one way into a hurricane!), we casually discussed names. This was hard. Harder than it'd been before. We've just lost so many names and I think we were both so guarded to get attached. We didn't settle on anything. We arrived to the hospital around 8 pm, where the birthmother had already been discharged. The nurse sent us to a private room. Shortly after, she wheeled "baby girl" in. The birthmother wanted us to name her. We spent the night at the hospital with her in the room. Still no name. In the morning, Jim and I realized and accepted that this is baby Olivia that we had dreamt of since we were dating. It felt right. She's our Olivia James. Due to the weather we were unable to meet face-to-face with her birthmother, but we did FaceTime, and we expressed our gratitude and love. We encouraged the staff to let us leave the hospital and head to Austin. Begrudgingly they let us leave so we could attempt to escape the hurricane. Social workers scrambled to meet with the birthmother for final consent, but near 5:30 pm we received a text from Birthmother (totally crying reliving this moment), "The paperwork is signed. She is your daughter."

To Date

In the midst of adopting Olivia, Chase's birthmother contacted us and her attorney and expressed that she wanted to move forward with placement. We told her our recent developments, but that we love him and would be happy to adopt him as well. She agreed and suddenly, we were a family of four! We've been home for three weeks and we are settling in as a family. All is well. Don't get me wrong - it's chaos. But it's beautiful chaos. It's all been so crazy beautiful. We are overwhelmed with love and gratitude. The journey makes sense now. So many pieces had to fall into place just as they did.

God had a plan all along. We just had to keep the faith.



Here's the deal...

I haven't been posting much. To those of you that follow our blog and check in often, I apologize for the silence. To be real, I'm exhausted. We're exhausted. Unfortunately, there just hasn't been much to update about. We've had a few random "early connections" that have quickly dissipated. We always hold out hope that one will find it's way back to us, but that hope is also quickly dissipating. I've tried my hardest to stay strong and positive for nearly five years. And the past few months have been really wearing on me. I'm less patient with the process. I'm becoming more unsettled about our future with children. I don't want it to seem like "giving up", more like "moving on". We're not there yet...but its in discussion. Our contract with Angel Adoption expires on December 9th. At that time, we will evaluate our current situation and spend the new year either mourning a failed journey, to move forward in life without children. Or, we will mourn our failed journey with Angel Adoption and make new plans for our family. We're not putting a time limit on it. Or making any decisions now. But it is nice to have December 9th as a starting point to decide what's next.


It'd be so weird to come this far, and end with nothing.

June Update

Our profile went out 32 times in the month of June and our online profile was viewed 86 times.

Developments

We've come across some disturbing information about why our adoption fell through with Dinesha. . . and needless to say, we feel defeated. I don't need to go into detail - and to be totally transparent, we are putting pieces together; it's not like we have spoken to her for confirmation.
We are five months away from our contract end with Angel and I can say with most confidence, at that time we will no longer continue our adoption journey. It's just been too hard. We have given it OUR ALL; our finances, our time, our hope, our love, everything. As of now, we still want to be  parents. Those seven days with Nora were the best days of our lives. But at some point, I want us to accept that we tried, and move on. We've been living in limbo for five years, and I'm quite tired.
I just keep praying that God will take away the desire to have children, so that we do not live bitter lives towards those that were able to grow their families.

It's Sunday evening and I'm sitting outside - where I've been for the past hour or so...just sitting here; wondering how I am feeling. I am usually completely in tune with my feelings, and truly, I'm lost. I can't pinpoint my thoughts and emotions. It's actually unnerving. I know at first, maybe I was trying to protect myself. I know Thursday, the day before it all happened, I was unsettled. My skin was crawling and I was so tense. It's like I knew. I didn't want to go back to the darkness. It took me so long to feel "normal" after Nora, and I DID NOT want to go back to that place. But aren't I there? Aren't I in the dark place? I don't want to be around people. I sleep most of the time. I show no emotion. Would you believe me if I told you I haven't even cried? I haven't. A few triggers have gotten me close... but nothing. Do I have nothing left? Is this what I would expect to happen? Let's be real, all we know about starting a family is despair.

Jim and I have talked a lot about that over the past few days. We've talked that we don't know what to do. We've spent the past five years (almost) trying to build our family. We tried for 6 months until I developed pain from an ovarian cyst, only to come out of surgery to find out getting pregnant naturally was a long shot. So we did what we were told was next. We did 3 rounds of IVF, one round of IVF with donor eggs, and came out with 2 miscarriages. Starting in September of 2015, we began our adoption journey. Matched right away with Chris & Brandi, only to discover we were being scammed 3 months in. March of 2016, we were matched with Ayanna, together throughout the pregnancy, there for birth, had sweet Nora for 7 days, and lost her. February of 2017, matched with Dinesha. Talked everyday until the day before we were meant to travel, only to find out from our attorney that she changed her mind.

What are we supposed to do now? We've tried everything. Given it our all; our bodies, our hearts, our finances, all of it. And we've come out with nothing. It's all just so confusing. We are so tired. I am so sad for our souls. I just feel like we're are giving so much, with little to no return, and it's breaking our souls. Every time we lose a baby, or even a prospect, we are devastated. We watch our friends and loved ones move on to build their families with ease and I don't understand why it has to be so hard for us?? Is it not in the cards for us? Do we start to accept this, and slowly move on to a life without children? But I can't help but wonder "why would God put having a family in our hearts so strongly, only to have it be impossible?" Yet, that's just one of many questions I have for God. . .

I didn't work this week. And I don't plan to this week, either. I'm just not ready. My boss is amazing. He's been right there supporting us from the beginning and I am grateful. I'll go back the following week. I mean, I have to. I can't avoid people for much longer. But for now, I will take this time to figure out what I am feeling so I can heal. Jim is doing okay. Some days are better than others. For the most part, he likes to stay busy. He works a bit, comes home and crashes. We've been talking and sharing feelings daily, and for that, I am thankful. We have each other.

Numb

Thank you for all of your texts, emails, and phone calls. It's more than likely you have not received any response from us. I know most of you wouldn't, but please don't take it personally. We're just trying to figure out what is best for our future. And we need some privacy and space to figure everything out.

No words

5 days

We leave in 5 days to head for North Carolina. This was our last weekend at home (hopefully) just the two of us. His bags are packed & our bags are somewhat packed. The nursery is stocked and ready. The basinet is next to where I sleep. For now it is empty...but (hopefully) not for long.

I've spent a lot of time in the nursery lately; nesting, if you will. I've organized the baby books, folded all of his clothes (which contrary to Jim's belief, is the perfect amount)... and I've sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, rocking our "imaginary baby", except he's not imaginary. He's in Dinesha's belly.  He is our son. "In a matter of weeks, will I be sitting here, snuggling our son, rocking him, loving him, and thanking God?" "Could this actually be happening?", I ask myself. I smile because in my heart, the answer is yes. But I am so scared. I am so scared of the small chance that this beautiful, strong, independent, loving woman will decide to parent, and we will go home empty handed once again.

We have built such an incredible relationship with Dinesha. We love her. She calls me Care bear because I am always sending her love. We talk daily - about the hard stuff, about the funny stuff, about future stuff, all of it. We are so grateful that she wants an Open Adoption. We wouldn't want it any other way. She will be our family, too. I am excited for when our family can meet her. Not only will she always be such an important person in our life, but our entire family's as well.

I could go on and on about all of the emotions that are running through my heart and head. But I will leave it at this for now. We are anxious and ready for the next chapter to unfold. And we hope to share some good news in the next few weeks.

Much love,

Anne & Jim

Article

My mother posted this article on Facebook, and I shared it as well. I was thinking since this blog is sort-of a diary for me, I would post it here, as well; something to look back on. A lot of this article strikes a chord with me. And I'm sure once our son is at home with us, I will relate to even more.

Registries & Things

Hello to all that have followed our adoption journey for the past (almost) two years! We are 41 days away from the scheduled C-section of baby boy. I know Dinesha is hoping for an earlier date....so we'll see if her wish is granted. In general, all is well. Our attorneys continue to work to complete all necessary documentation before baby boy is born. As for us, his things are packed and ready to throw in the car at a moments notice. We have talked to several friends and family that are willing to care for the house, Lilly, Leo, etc. If you want to be on the call list, let us know, we welcome the extra hands!


Some are asking about gift registries. Fortunately, we have most of the essentials already, so we aren't in need of anything major before heading to NC. Of course there are a few things we still need in general, and we've added a few "boy" items. You can find the list here.


www.babylist.com/anne-james-babymeek


If you feel so obliged - thank you. We do not plan on having any baby showers BEFORE baby's birth. We may plan on a celebration once we are back home. Stay tuned.


We'll continue to update the blog as often as we can. In the meantime, as always, please continue to keep Dinesha, baby boy, and us, in your prayers.


Anne & Jim

I love this site

Dinesha is generally feeling well. Some cramping and heaviness is to be expected at this stage in her pregnancy... and she is feeling all of it! Her scheduled C-section is June 8th. I am hoping she can keep cooking baby boy for another 3 weeks or so, but he will come when he wants to! His bags are packed and the nursery is ready.


In the meantime, I am enjoying this site and learning about baby boys growth. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days along side her.

In my mind I'm going to Carolina. . .

We had a lovely visit in NC this past weekend. Our flights were a breeze (which is incredible, actually, because we were flying Delta, which had cancelled 1,500 flights just days before and the aftermath was still very evident).  

We arrived in NC around noon, and grabbed a bite to eat, and freshened up (gotta make a good impression, i.e. not stink!). We drove to Dinesha’s house that was only a few miles down the road. She was outside with King, her son. We hugged on the porch and went inside to catch up. We had brought King some Batman toys that he was eager to play with. We sat on the floor, playing with King, and just talking. After about an hour, we loaded up the car and headed to Chuck E. Cheese. I hadn’t been to a CEC in about 30 years. It hasn’t changed... at all. In fact, most of the rides are exactly the same! Don’t you remember the one that looks like a bike with a parachute on it, and you pedal as it lifts you about 10’ off the ground?! Yeah, that’s still there. Anyway, we played games and got enough tickets for King to get a bag full of tootsie rolls; for which he was very pleased.  After Chuck E. Cheese, we went to dinner, and back to their house.  

The next day, Jim and I ran some errands just getting familiar with the area. We met up with King and Dinesha around 2:30 and packed a picnic lunch to take to the park. Jim and King were busy kicking around a ball that we brought for him, while Dinesha and I sat in the shade talking about adoption and future plans. We laughed, we joked, we talked important stuff. It was really, really nice. After about 4 hours, we headed back to her house so King could nap (and in reality, Jim and I needed one, too). We said our goodbyes, and were sad to have to leave after such a quick visit.

 When we checked out of the hotel at 4 am Monday, the receptionist had a bag that was dropped off for us. It was a gift bag that said “It’s a Boy!” with onesies picked out by Dinesha and King, some stuffed animals that have personal meaning to us through past conversations, and a Mother’s Day card with a loving note. We left NC feeling so warm and overjoyed. The weekend couldn’t have gone any better. We feel very fortunate to have found each other. Our blended family will be something very special and we are anxious to meet baby boy in 6-8 weeks.

 Thank you for your continued prayers.

 

Anne & Jim

Connection

We are excited to share that for the past several weeks, we have been communicating with a birthmother in North Carolina. Her name is Dinesha, and she is having a baby boy in early June. She is beautiful, funny, bright, and witty. We talk almost everyday and Jim and I plan to visit her the second weekend in April. We will keep you posted as things progress. Please keep us, Dinesha, and baby boy in your daily prayers.


Much love,
Anne & Jim

January Update

We just received our monthly update from Angel - Our profile went out 22 times to potential birthmothers and our website profile was viewed 89 times.

Wait

“It’s a constant struggle to sit in His sovereignty. When everything is falling apart in your mind, just to wait.” ~Walt Manis