Whirldwind

July 1, 2017
In early July we were introduced to Chase, a 17-month-old boy, as his birthmother was considering placing him for adoption. We welcomed him into our home on several occasions - it was an opportunity for all of us to see if it was a good fit. For Jim and myself, we didn't need much convincing. Chase is all toddler boy - crazy and active; full of love and joy just oozing out of him. We were patient with his birthmother as she decided what to do. In mid August, we set a court date for consent, and she cancelled it. This happened several times and Jim and I felt it was best to move on and accept that she wasn't ready. It hurt. Bad. We loved him. We wanted to add him to our family. It took the wind out of us and we decided to contact Angel Adoption.


August 22, 2017


From: Jim and Anne

Date: Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 12:59 PM

. . . . . . .

We understand it is very limiting. In fact, it's our last resort before ending our contract completely. If you just want to put our last 3 months on "hold", that is fine too. If we choose to ever use those months, we'll let you know. 

We just can't keep doing this. It's difficult to believe there are many couples that have positive, successful outcomes through your process. Obviously we have had a ridiculously awful experience, and maybe we're just "unlucky". Whatever it is, it is unbearable. 

If I knew then, what I know now; about the potential heartbreak, disrespect, and expenses that this journey includes, I would have closed the door two years ago. What we have been through has taken the light from our eyes. And it's changed how we feel about birth mothers and their intentions. This process has nearly broken us. 

The worst of it is....we still want to be parents. But we are absolutely exhausted by the process in which that has to happen. 

I don't know what is best for us anymore. If a miracle baby is born and a birth mother contacts you & you share our profile, and she selects us, the risk is minimal if anything. And really, that's what we need -  Low Risk. That's all we can consider bearing right now.  

 Anne & Jim

August 23, 2017

From: Samantha 

Date: Wed, Aug 23, 2017 at 5:37 PM
Subject: baby girl in Houston

Despite the emails from yesterday, I'm reaching out with hope in my heart. I sat with Liz this morning to discuss this and neither of us could rationalize not presenting this situation to you. It's as close as we will get to what you have requested. We understand if you want to pass, I have another family I can contact. This situation came to us yesterday and has since developed today. 

If you are willing to give it one last try, we would need you in Houston, TX asap and in order to do the agency placement with Little Flowers (TX agency), there cannot be ANY criminal history in your home study.

Little Flowers will coordinate relinquishment signing with birth mom 48 hours after birth. With the agency placement, it will be irrevocable. 

I asked about "cradle care" so that you would not have to be there until after signing takes place, but it's unavailable in Houston and the hospital needs a family there for baby's release. I can put you in touch for further instructions and advice. ***They did say there's expected flooding in Houston over the next few days, so that may deter travel plans. ***

*** Hurricane Harvey***

Hurricane Harvey was an extremely destructive Atlantic hurricane which became the first major hurricane to make landfall in the United States since Wilma in 2005, ending a record 12-year span in which no hurricanes made landfall at such an intensity in the country. In a four-day period, many areas received more than 40 inches of rain as the system meandered over eastern Texas and adjacent waters, causing catastrophic flooding.

Harvey then began to rapidly intensify on August 24, regaining tropical storm status and becoming a hurricane later that day. While the storm moved generally northwest, Harvey's intensification phase stalled slightly overnight from August 24–25; however, Harvey soon resumed strengthening and quickly became a major hurricane and attained Category 4 intensity later that day. Hours later, Harvey made landfall near Rockport, Texas, at peak intensity. Afterwards, rapid weakening ensued, and Harvey had degraded to a tropical storm as it stalled near the coastline of the state, dropping torrential and unprecedented amounts of rainfall over the Lone Star state.

August 23, 2017 cont. 

 We decided to give it "one last shot". We packed a full-size luggage bag with all of the baby stuff we could find, and a carry-on bag for both Jim and myself. To be honest, I don't remember who we called... my mom? Ashley? Anyway, it's all a blur... We booked one way flights for 5 am 8/24/2017, we dropped off Leonard at Uncle Mike's and were headed to Chicago by 8 pm. On the way to the Midway Airport hotel, we contacted the Texas agency to discuss the potential adoption. After knowing a few more details, we decided to postpone our flights to later in the day Friday, so that the social workers could meet with the birthmother. We hardly slept.

August 24, 2017

The morning hours were AGONIZING as we waited to hear from the social worker that we were "good to go" to come to Texas. Around 11:30 am, we got the call - It looked as good as it could  - we need to board the plane! On the flight (one way into a hurricane!), we casually discussed names. This was hard. Harder than it'd been before. We've just lost so many names and I think we were both so guarded to get attached. We didn't settle on anything. We arrived to the hospital around 8 pm, where the birthmother had already been discharged. The nurse sent us to a private room. Shortly after, she wheeled "baby girl" in. The birthmother wanted us to name her. We spent the night at the hospital with her in the room. Still no name. In the morning, Jim and I realized and accepted that this is baby Olivia that we had dreamt of since we were dating. It felt right. She's our Olivia James. Due to the weather we were unable to meet face-to-face with her birthmother, but we did FaceTime, and we expressed our gratitude and love. We encouraged the staff to let us leave the hospital and head to Austin. Begrudgingly they let us leave so we could attempt to escape the hurricane. Social workers scrambled to meet with the birthmother for final consent, but near 5:30 pm we received a text from Birthmother (totally crying reliving this moment), "The paperwork is signed. She is your daughter."

To Date

In the midst of adopting Olivia, Chase's birthmother contacted us and her attorney and expressed that she wanted to move forward with placement. We told her our recent developments, but that we love him and would be happy to adopt him as well. She agreed and suddenly, we were a family of four! We've been home for three weeks and we are settling in as a family. All is well. Don't get me wrong - it's chaos. But it's beautiful chaos. It's all been so crazy beautiful. We are overwhelmed with love and gratitude. The journey makes sense now. So many pieces had to fall into place just as they did.

God had a plan all along. We just had to keep the faith.



It's Sunday evening and I'm sitting outside - where I've been for the past hour or so...just sitting here; wondering how I am feeling. I am usually completely in tune with my feelings, and truly, I'm lost. I can't pinpoint my thoughts and emotions. It's actually unnerving. I know at first, maybe I was trying to protect myself. I know Thursday, the day before it all happened, I was unsettled. My skin was crawling and I was so tense. It's like I knew. I didn't want to go back to the darkness. It took me so long to feel "normal" after Nora, and I DID NOT want to go back to that place. But aren't I there? Aren't I in the dark place? I don't want to be around people. I sleep most of the time. I show no emotion. Would you believe me if I told you I haven't even cried? I haven't. A few triggers have gotten me close... but nothing. Do I have nothing left? Is this what I would expect to happen? Let's be real, all we know about starting a family is despair.

Jim and I have talked a lot about that over the past few days. We've talked that we don't know what to do. We've spent the past five years (almost) trying to build our family. We tried for 6 months until I developed pain from an ovarian cyst, only to come out of surgery to find out getting pregnant naturally was a long shot. So we did what we were told was next. We did 3 rounds of IVF, one round of IVF with donor eggs, and came out with 2 miscarriages. Starting in September of 2015, we began our adoption journey. Matched right away with Chris & Brandi, only to discover we were being scammed 3 months in. March of 2016, we were matched with Ayanna, together throughout the pregnancy, there for birth, had sweet Nora for 7 days, and lost her. February of 2017, matched with Dinesha. Talked everyday until the day before we were meant to travel, only to find out from our attorney that she changed her mind.

What are we supposed to do now? We've tried everything. Given it our all; our bodies, our hearts, our finances, all of it. And we've come out with nothing. It's all just so confusing. We are so tired. I am so sad for our souls. I just feel like we're are giving so much, with little to no return, and it's breaking our souls. Every time we lose a baby, or even a prospect, we are devastated. We watch our friends and loved ones move on to build their families with ease and I don't understand why it has to be so hard for us?? Is it not in the cards for us? Do we start to accept this, and slowly move on to a life without children? But I can't help but wonder "why would God put having a family in our hearts so strongly, only to have it be impossible?" Yet, that's just one of many questions I have for God. . .

I didn't work this week. And I don't plan to this week, either. I'm just not ready. My boss is amazing. He's been right there supporting us from the beginning and I am grateful. I'll go back the following week. I mean, I have to. I can't avoid people for much longer. But for now, I will take this time to figure out what I am feeling so I can heal. Jim is doing okay. Some days are better than others. For the most part, he likes to stay busy. He works a bit, comes home and crashes. We've been talking and sharing feelings daily, and for that, I am thankful. We have each other.

Control

Control. This is something we have zero of. Control is one of the biggest challenges with the adoption process. Well, lack there of. I started to feel that in some ways, being matched with a birthmother was like being pregnant - meaning the natural fears of the well-being for this growing baby. How every time we went to a sonogram or appointment, I found myself deathly afraid of bad news. I thought it was because of our two pregnancies, we can only relate pregnancy to bad news. Luckily, my friends that are mothers reassured me that it's normal to feel that way. It's a mom thing.

But what is unlike being pregnant is that this child is not in MY belly. I can't control what the birthmother is consuming. Is she taking her prenatal vitamins? Is she not sleeping on her back? Is she's singing to our sweet girl like I would be everyday? Is she falling in love with this baby like I am? Is she going to change her mind? Ugh... that's the most terrifying one of all.

What if this doesn't happen?

Six months is a really long time to be matched with a birthmother. In some ways, it's beautiful -  especially for our daughter. She will know so much more about her birthparents than most adopted children. But selfishly, for Jim and me, it's exhausting. It's exhausting to stress every time I send a text message and she doesn't respond. It's exhausting to rely on someone else to fill us in with doctors information and test results. It's exhausting to want to plan and design a nursery, when in the back of your mind you are terrified that you'll end up having the saddest garage sale ever. It's exhausting to pick another name and be terrified that you won't be able to have it be a reality. It's exhausting to not be able to enjoy this journey 100% .

Today is one of those days where Jim and I really feel out of control and scared. For no particular reason, it's just one of those days. The fear creeps in and it takes over for a bit. Tomorrow will be better. We will find the strength to keep on down the road. We will grasp on to Hope and hold it close. It's all we can do.

"Connected"

Exciting news!
Jim and I were out of town October 25-26 meeting with our baby's Birthmother.  About a month ago we received word that someone was interested in us (see post A Day to Remember), and our relationship has grown. There are several details about the Birthmother that we are choosing to keep private for now. Some know more details than others, so if it's not posted here, it's not "public information". We don't want to seem weird, it's just a very private situation, and out of respect for her, we are not sharing every detail with you.  On Sunday 10/25/15, we travelled 300+ miles to the Birthmother and met for dinner. The conversation was comfortable, easy and warming.  On Monday morning, we went to her doctor's appointment and heard the baby's heartbeat.  Jim and I never got to that point with our two pregnancies, and it was such a beautiful sound. It was already happening, but Jim and I fell in love with this baby at that very moment. We will travel back at the end of November for a 21 week sonogram. We have retained legal counsel to start "all of the legal stuff". Jim and I feel confident that this will work out. We understand that there are risks to any adoption scenario, but we are doing our best and allowing ourselves to enjoy the ride, while hoping for the best. More to come in the next few weeks. :)

Thank you for your continued prayers and good wishes. We appreciate you so much.

A snap-shot of our profile on Angel's website... "Connected"!!

We are live!

As of this afternoon, our profile is live! This means that if there are expectant mothers that meet our criteria, and are due in November or later, they will receive our profile. Oh, my goodness, I can't explain how exciting and nerve-wracking this is... It's hard not to get our hopes up that this could happen quickly for us. When Jim and I started dating, we referred to ourselves as "The Lucky Ones". Unfortunately, we haven't referenced that in a long time. Oh, I want so badly for us to feel "lucky" again.
Please keep us in your prayers.

The word is out!

So we started this blog about two weeks ago (for therapeutic reasons and for informational purposes), but today is the day someone other than us will read it - Welcome! 

We spent the weekend in Austin, spending our time with Anne's friend Ashely and Jim's sister Julia. We waited to share our exciting news via email until we could have some face time with these peeps. It's exciting to share the news, get joyful reactions, and educate people on the process. And now we're excited to share the news with all of you!

We received an email from Angel while we were vacationing that they received our profile. They will review our packet and within 1-2 weeks our profile will be sent out! So exciting. Because our home study is not yet complete, our profile will only be shared with expectant mothers with a due date later than our expected home study completion (after October, most likely). 

What we've learned so far

As we mentioned earlier, we have not signed a contract with an adoption agency, only a marketing agency, that helps get our profile out more frequently. What this means, is that in addition to Angel finding us a birth mother, we can find one, too! We have been researching Illinois attorney's to potentially help with this process. Most attorneys require a retainer fee, but their services last until you have a child placed in your home.  After speaking with a Charleston attorney, we learned a little more about this process. As it turns out, there have been two Illinois adoption agencies close in the past few months because birthmothers are using placement agencies less and less. These days, they are researching families on their own, using the internet, etc. Essentially, we are paying a premium to market ourselves through Angel - not a bad thing, since this is how a lot of birthmothers are finding their "matches". An attorney can help find matches, but on a smaller scale, all local (Illinois). Using an attorney is just another person getting our profile out to expectant mothers. If by chance we do find a private adoption without Angel, we can put our profile on hold and use their services again later.


We also are reaching out to all of you. You never know if your cousins, friends, uncles, sons girlfriend might be expecting and considering adoption. Sure, it sounds like a long shot, but it does happen. So keep your ears open, reach out to your friends, church, etc. We welcome all the help we can get.


Thank you,
Anne & Jim

Homework Packet(s)

Yesterday, we were assigned a social worker in Springfield & we scheduled our first in-office visit for September 14th. She sent us our "Homework Packets". Both are 15 pages each, but good news for us, 6 of those pages get sent to our friends for reference letters. Whew! Some of the pages include things like a Fire Evacuation Plan - Now, this is my kind of paperwork! I'm glad we have to do things like this, Ha-ha. (Jim is rolling his eyes.) Question #2) If you reside in a two story home and your children's bedrooms are on the upper level what are the means of escape in case the children cannot exit down the stairs? Escape ladder here we come! Or better yet, maybe we can install a slide so we can get Lilly and Leonard out easier, too. All joking aside, I really am glad we have to do things like this. It may seem a little overboard right now, but I am all about safety and planning. A safe home is a happy home. :)

Details

So…what are the details??? A lot of you are probably wondering the same things - so here's a few more details:

 Jim and I have signed a contract with a company out of Illinois that deals with infant adoption only. Technically, they are a marketing agency – not a licensed adoption agency. They work through Lutheran Child Family Services as their licensed agent. Why did we choose them? A) Cost. It’s about 1/3 the price of a large agency, B) It’s a small program, they only accept 6-8 families a month and they have a 98% placement rate under 24 months! Which is AWESOME. We also found this company through friends of friends that have adopted or that are in the program along with us.

 How does this work? Jim and I have filled out a profile that includes information about us, our family, our home, our pets, etc. We sent several pictures (probably some that include you), filled out questions such as adoption arrangement, and other factors. All of this information was compiled into our adoption profile. This profile is sent out to expectant mothers nationwide that are considering adoption. If they are interested in us, they let the company know, and they put us in touch. We talk on the phone, skype, meet, whatever it takes. This part of the process is called “Connected”. If the birthmother chooses us (which she will, because we are awesome), then we are “Matched”. And that’s the exciting part!!. Typically, a lawyer is hired in the state of the birthmother about 1-2 months before the expected due date. Some mothers stay in touch throughout pregnancy, some get a little distant. It’s a game of hope and patience. We wait for the call that she is in labor and we drive or fly to wherever she may be. Then 3-14 days later, once the paperwork is complete, we come home with our baby.

 Jim and I are open to any race and any gender.

 We are also open to the expectant mothers adoption arrangement preference: Open – annual visits, Semi-Open – letters and pictures, or Closed – no contact. We have mixed emotions about all of the scenarios. But most of all, we want what is best for our child; an arrangement that offers them the most answers and peace.

 What is the timeframe? The average wait is 12-16 months. Could be shorter, could be longer.

Xoxo,

Anne & Jim

Getting started!

Things have been happening to get the adoption process going! We sent our contract to Angel at the beginning of August, and received the information to start building our profile. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to write to your potential birthmother (expectant mother). We found ourselves very humbled finding words to express not only our gratitude, but our endless compassion for this person and the decision they are making. In such a short time I feel like this experience has already changed who I am as a person. I feel like I have already expanded my open mindedness and this is just the beginning!

 It’s funny, we kind of struggled with how to portray our relationship, our life now and how we are going to incorporate our future child in this life we share. Seems simple enough, except that you are writing this to someone that ultimately decides if their child is placed with you… All I kept thinking was don’t say something stupid, don’t make it sound like we have too much fun, because then they can’t imagine us with a child… But we don’t want to sound boring either… You see where I’m getting here. And then it clicked. We just have to be ourselves. We have to describe our daily activities (that typically revolve around our dog), our family, and our passion – building our family.

 In unison, we sent our application for our home study to LCFS (Lutheran Child and Family Services). Wow! That’s a lot of paperwork. And just when you think you’re done, they’re like, “Great! We received your packet. Packet #2 is on the way out today.” Oh bother, this one is a doozy. It’s taking us more time than we anticipated because we have to gather so much paperwork that we don’t necessarily keep at hand. But we are almost there. I’m anxious for this one to be complete. Except that she explained that the next one is the “homework packet”. :-/ We’ve sent off our finger prints, which we hear takes the longest to turn around (4-6 weeks). Pretty soon we will be traveling to Springfield for interviews and then finally, our in-home visit. We’ve already started the little things like outlet covers, etc. We’re waiting for the last minute to install child safety locks on cabinets (Yes, you have to have these in place before you even have a child…) – I’ve never been good at managing child locks. And if I put locks on the cabinets for my cleaning supplies, I’ll probably just see it as an excuse to not clean.