How to Survive?

Yes, I Googled "How to survive a failed adoption placement".
I stumbled across this post, and I'm glad I did. We all heal in different ways. We all need to go through the process. But these simple reminders give me hope.

Momma

Messy hair, shirt inside out & no pants. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. Mommy and baby, talking with our eyes. I loved being her momma. I loved no sleep. It meant our dreams had come true. That we had our sweet child to care for. I loved getting to know her; what she liked, what comforted her. I loved how she held so tightly to her pacifier. I loved her yawn. I loved her waking up and that it was a 20 minute process involving some of the sweetest sounds only God can create.  I loved every hot mess second. And the depth of my longing for her is inconceivable. 

How are we doing?

Oh man, I don't even know how to answer that question. We are back at home. It's weird. It's weird because it feels normal. Normal but quiet. Normal but somber. Normal but empty. Normal but not. We never planned to walk back into this house without Nora. If this is normal, what was last week? A dream? It's all very confusing. 

I'd like to say that everyday gets a little easier, but we haven't gotten to that point yet. Today, for example, has been hard on me. It's my fault, I looked at pictures and videos as soon as I woke up today. Jim and I are doing what we need to be doing; we get out of the house (mainly to walk Leonard), we talk about her, we snuggle, we're loving each other, we do side projects, etc. The littlest things make us exhausted. Neither of us have returned to work yet. But we're shooting for Monday. It's just going to take time to find peace, I guess. 

For now, I'm laying on the floor in the nursery with Leo (he loves this rug), just thinking about our adoption journey so far. It's been harder than we thought it'd be. But everyone keeps saying there's a bigger plan just waiting for us. We really hope that's true. 

The Unthinkable

This is a post I never dreamed I'd have to write. 

Yesterday afternoon, we got word that the birthmother revoked her rights and we needed to place little Nora back with Ayanna. We knew there was a risk. But after all of our time with Ayanna and the many conversations we had, we just weren't afraid. We were led to believe we would be Nora's parents. That we had nothing to fear. We were wrong. 

We spent all of last night loving Nora. I kissed her thousands of times and told her how much we love her. That we know she'll be okay. That I'm sorry I couldn't stay her momma... She will never know of us. But we will love her for the rest of our lives. We loved being her parents for 7 short days.

Coincidentally our moms made the trip to Decatur just moments before we got word of the revocation. We are thankful to have such a strong village. They are a tremendous help. In fact, they drove sweet baby girl back to Statesboro to Ayanna. I wasn't strong enough to do it. I could barely strap her in her car seat knowing I'd never see her precious face again. We are absolutely sick and heartbroken. At this point we are just in survival mode. And that's probably for the best. 

Here are a few pictures of our time with sweet Nora Wynn; including our last photo as a family. 

Ayanna, if you read this, we forgive you. We want the best for you and your girls. Please cherish every moment with sweet Nora. Raise her with compassion, respect, patience, education, comfort and love. We will think of you often and keep you in our daily prayers. 

Anne & Jim

Decatur

We made it to Decatur where we will spend the rest of the 10 days in Georgia. Meg and Brandon have graciously offered to host us until we head back to Illinois. Not only that, they have opened their doors to our parents, who are anxious to meet Nora. 

It was bittersweet leaving Statesboro. We truly enjoyed every moment spent with Ayanna and her girls. Specifically, our time in the hospital. Nora's due date was originally 8/15, with a scheduled c-section for the week prior. However, Ayanna's blood pressure was dangerously high, and the doctor saw it best to deliver much earlier. Jim and I were present in the OR. I'm so grateful for this. Mainly to be there with Ayanna and support her. Of course it was incredible to see Nora moments after birth, but being together for that moment was so special to me. We were fortunate to have a room down the hall from Ayanna and spent most of our time sitting at her bedside so she could hold Nora. We talked, we watched tv, we even played Uno! Ayanna is doing her best to physically heal from her surgery. I wish we could make that part of it easier for her. In fact, we want to make all of this easier for her. She is our hero. Her act of love to give Nora her best life has answered prayers we have been praying for many, many years. The love we feel for Nora's birthmother is unexplainable. 

So we're settled here in Decatur now. Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes. We are more in love than we could have dreamed. Here's our first family photo of the three of us (Nora is a little camera shy). :)

Nora Wynn Meek

She's here! 

Nora Wynn Meek was born at 4:32 pm on Friday, July 29th. Weighing in at 6 pounds 3 ounces and 20" tall. 

She's absolutely beautiful and we are completely and undeniably in love. I will write of her birth story soon, but wanted to let all of you know that she's here and she's perfect. 

God is good. Grateful doesn't even touch our emotion. 

With joy,

Anne, Jim, and Nora