September Update

This afternoon we received our monthly update from Angel Adoption, Inc. Our profile was sent out 10 times to potential birthmothers and our online profile was viewed 89 times. I don't really track the online profiles much, as I think it's mainly other adoptive families reading each others profiles (competition, if you will).
10 times. I guess that's 10 opportunities for us to find our baby. Sometimes though, it's a reminder like that was 10 opportunities that came and went. I start questioning our profile; is something coming out wrong? I start questioning us; what makes another family more appealing, and we get left behind? I know I just have to keep a good attitude and put all of our trust in God that this will work out as it is suppose to, and one day, the journey will all make sense. In the meantime, I've noticed that I'm feeling frustrated and a little sad.

Prayer

"Father, thank You for the blessing and victory You have in store for my future. Thank You for allowing me to see and hear in my heart the good things You have planned. I choose to keep my eyes on You and declare Your blessing over my life in Jesus's name." 1 Kings 18:41

Why God took so long to give me a baby

My dear friend, Jennifer sent this link to me today (luckily I was at home on lunch, because I was a blubbering mess).

Jim and I are coming upon our four year wedding anniversary. Also known as, to me, our four years of waiting to grow our family. FOUR YEARS. I vividly remember reading blogs written by women sharing stories of their fertility/baby struggles, and it taking 4+ years. I remember thinking "I just can't imagine..." "how do you get through that?.." "wouldn't you just give up?!.." 

I can imagine it now, because I've lived it. You get through it by waking up every morning, by breathing, by the grace of God, by the support of friends and family, and because the desire to be parents was placed in your hearts before you even knew each other. Yes, you do want to give up. You want to give up on trying every month with no success. You want to give up on injecting your body full of drugs that make you fat, bloated, bruised and a raging emotional bitch. You want to give up spending thousands of dollars to lose two babies in two years. You want to give up on your marriage because you want your spouse to have the family they deserve. You want to give up on yourself because you feel like your body, your womanhood is failing you.  You want to give up on adoption because all you really know is disappointment and heartbreak. But you never give up. You keep moving forward.  You keep loving each other through it. You keep praying in hopes It’s because He’s forming something so breathtaking and beautiful…it cannot be rushed.


You keep praying.

Broken Hallelujah

August Update

We decided it would be best to keep our profile active, even shortly after the failed placement. I guess our love for Nora proves our desire to be parents and we know our child is out there and we don't want to close any doors in the meantime. Since we had been in-active for several months, and most of August, our Angel update was a little lower than normal - Our profile went out 5 times to potential birthmothers, and our online profile was viewed 97 times.


We are hopeful for good news this month. Before we met Ayanna, I kept praying specific prayers to bring us a baby in September... once we were connected, I just thought God was showing off (totally kidding). So maybe that wasn't our answered prayer, and it's still to come this month?


Keep praying for us.

Let It Go

This.

A weekend with family

Jim and I flew to Montreal, Canada this past weekend to celebrate brother Sam, and Rachel get married! We weren't planning to attend since we would just have come home with a newborn, and I think the agencies frown upon adopted children leaving the country before everything is finalized, (not to mention we wouldn't have a passport for her). Any who, as you all know, we ended up being available and Mom and Terry were gracious enough to make it happen. And we are very grateful.

Albeit tough to talk about, we did appreciate the lengthy, tighter hugs we received from our friends and family that have been thinking about us since we lost Nora. Several people throughout the weekend expressed their sentiment and love for us. In the end, as I have said before, we feel your support. Thank you. 

Here's a few pictures from our family time this past weekend.

Family is the most important thing in the world.

~ Princess Diana

Thy Will

Thank you Father that your plans stand firm even when I try to take over. Help me to wait patiently on you and to trust you to bring your plans in your way and in your time. Amen.

How to Survive?

Yes, I Googled "How to survive a failed adoption placement".
I stumbled across this post, and I'm glad I did. We all heal in different ways. We all need to go through the process. But these simple reminders give me hope.

Momma

Messy hair, shirt inside out & no pants. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. Mommy and baby, talking with our eyes. I loved being her momma. I loved no sleep. It meant our dreams had come true. That we had our sweet child to care for. I loved getting to know her; what she liked, what comforted her. I loved how she held so tightly to her pacifier. I loved her yawn. I loved her waking up and that it was a 20 minute process involving some of the sweetest sounds only God can create.  I loved every hot mess second. And the depth of my longing for her is inconceivable. 

It Is Well

A friend from high school, Shannon, that has supported Jim and I for months through our adoption journey, sent me this song today. She prayed that it would speak to me. It did.

"Far be it from me to not believe,

even when my eyes can't see.

And this mountain that's in front of me,

will be thrown into the midst of the sea. "

This song is on repeat in my office this morning. It was harder than expected to get to work today. But I did it. And the encouragement and support I needed this morning came in all forms: calls, texts, funny pictures, animal pictures, and this song. It's impossible to put into words what your support means to us. 



How are we doing?

Oh man, I don't even know how to answer that question. We are back at home. It's weird. It's weird because it feels normal. Normal but quiet. Normal but somber. Normal but empty. Normal but not. We never planned to walk back into this house without Nora. If this is normal, what was last week? A dream? It's all very confusing. 

I'd like to say that everyday gets a little easier, but we haven't gotten to that point yet. Today, for example, has been hard on me. It's my fault, I looked at pictures and videos as soon as I woke up today. Jim and I are doing what we need to be doing; we get out of the house (mainly to walk Leonard), we talk about her, we snuggle, we're loving each other, we do side projects, etc. The littlest things make us exhausted. Neither of us have returned to work yet. But we're shooting for Monday. It's just going to take time to find peace, I guess. 

For now, I'm laying on the floor in the nursery with Leo (he loves this rug), just thinking about our adoption journey so far. It's been harder than we thought it'd be. But everyone keeps saying there's a bigger plan just waiting for us. We really hope that's true. 

The Unthinkable

This is a post I never dreamed I'd have to write. 

Yesterday afternoon, we got word that the birthmother revoked her rights and we needed to place little Nora back with Ayanna. We knew there was a risk. But after all of our time with Ayanna and the many conversations we had, we just weren't afraid. We were led to believe we would be Nora's parents. That we had nothing to fear. We were wrong. 

We spent all of last night loving Nora. I kissed her thousands of times and told her how much we love her. That we know she'll be okay. That I'm sorry I couldn't stay her momma... She will never know of us. But we will love her for the rest of our lives. We loved being her parents for 7 short days.

Coincidentally our moms made the trip to Decatur just moments before we got word of the revocation. We are thankful to have such a strong village. They are a tremendous help. In fact, they drove sweet baby girl back to Statesboro to Ayanna. I wasn't strong enough to do it. I could barely strap her in her car seat knowing I'd never see her precious face again. We are absolutely sick and heartbroken. At this point we are just in survival mode. And that's probably for the best. 

Here are a few pictures of our time with sweet Nora Wynn; including our last photo as a family. 

Ayanna, if you read this, we forgive you. We want the best for you and your girls. Please cherish every moment with sweet Nora. Raise her with compassion, respect, patience, education, comfort and love. We will think of you often and keep you in our daily prayers. 

Anne & Jim

Decatur

We made it to Decatur where we will spend the rest of the 10 days in Georgia. Meg and Brandon have graciously offered to host us until we head back to Illinois. Not only that, they have opened their doors to our parents, who are anxious to meet Nora. 

It was bittersweet leaving Statesboro. We truly enjoyed every moment spent with Ayanna and her girls. Specifically, our time in the hospital. Nora's due date was originally 8/15, with a scheduled c-section for the week prior. However, Ayanna's blood pressure was dangerously high, and the doctor saw it best to deliver much earlier. Jim and I were present in the OR. I'm so grateful for this. Mainly to be there with Ayanna and support her. Of course it was incredible to see Nora moments after birth, but being together for that moment was so special to me. We were fortunate to have a room down the hall from Ayanna and spent most of our time sitting at her bedside so she could hold Nora. We talked, we watched tv, we even played Uno! Ayanna is doing her best to physically heal from her surgery. I wish we could make that part of it easier for her. In fact, we want to make all of this easier for her. She is our hero. Her act of love to give Nora her best life has answered prayers we have been praying for many, many years. The love we feel for Nora's birthmother is unexplainable. 

So we're settled here in Decatur now. Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes. We are more in love than we could have dreamed. Here's our first family photo of the three of us (Nora is a little camera shy). :)