June Update

Our profile went out 32 times in the month of June and our online profile was viewed 86 times.

Developments

We've come across some disturbing information about why our adoption fell through with Dinesha. . . and needless to say, we feel defeated. I don't need to go into detail - and to be totally transparent, we are putting pieces together; it's not like we have spoken to her for confirmation.
We are five months away from our contract end with Angel and I can say with most confidence, at that time we will no longer continue our adoption journey. It's just been too hard. We have given it OUR ALL; our finances, our time, our hope, our love, everything. As of now, we still want to be  parents. Those seven days with Nora were the best days of our lives. But at some point, I want us to accept that we tried, and move on. We've been living in limbo for five years, and I'm quite tired.
I just keep praying that God will take away the desire to have children, so that we do not live bitter lives towards those that were able to grow their families.

It's Sunday evening and I'm sitting outside - where I've been for the past hour or so...just sitting here; wondering how I am feeling. I am usually completely in tune with my feelings, and truly, I'm lost. I can't pinpoint my thoughts and emotions. It's actually unnerving. I know at first, maybe I was trying to protect myself. I know Thursday, the day before it all happened, I was unsettled. My skin was crawling and I was so tense. It's like I knew. I didn't want to go back to the darkness. It took me so long to feel "normal" after Nora, and I DID NOT want to go back to that place. But aren't I there? Aren't I in the dark place? I don't want to be around people. I sleep most of the time. I show no emotion. Would you believe me if I told you I haven't even cried? I haven't. A few triggers have gotten me close... but nothing. Do I have nothing left? Is this what I would expect to happen? Let's be real, all we know about starting a family is despair.

Jim and I have talked a lot about that over the past few days. We've talked that we don't know what to do. We've spent the past five years (almost) trying to build our family. We tried for 6 months until I developed pain from an ovarian cyst, only to come out of surgery to find out getting pregnant naturally was a long shot. So we did what we were told was next. We did 3 rounds of IVF, one round of IVF with donor eggs, and came out with 2 miscarriages. Starting in September of 2015, we began our adoption journey. Matched right away with Chris & Brandi, only to discover we were being scammed 3 months in. March of 2016, we were matched with Ayanna, together throughout the pregnancy, there for birth, had sweet Nora for 7 days, and lost her. February of 2017, matched with Dinesha. Talked everyday until the day before we were meant to travel, only to find out from our attorney that she changed her mind.

What are we supposed to do now? We've tried everything. Given it our all; our bodies, our hearts, our finances, all of it. And we've come out with nothing. It's all just so confusing. We are so tired. I am so sad for our souls. I just feel like we're are giving so much, with little to no return, and it's breaking our souls. Every time we lose a baby, or even a prospect, we are devastated. We watch our friends and loved ones move on to build their families with ease and I don't understand why it has to be so hard for us?? Is it not in the cards for us? Do we start to accept this, and slowly move on to a life without children? But I can't help but wonder "why would God put having a family in our hearts so strongly, only to have it be impossible?" Yet, that's just one of many questions I have for God. . .

I didn't work this week. And I don't plan to this week, either. I'm just not ready. My boss is amazing. He's been right there supporting us from the beginning and I am grateful. I'll go back the following week. I mean, I have to. I can't avoid people for much longer. But for now, I will take this time to figure out what I am feeling so I can heal. Jim is doing okay. Some days are better than others. For the most part, he likes to stay busy. He works a bit, comes home and crashes. We've been talking and sharing feelings daily, and for that, I am thankful. We have each other.

Numb

Thank you for all of your texts, emails, and phone calls. It's more than likely you have not received any response from us. I know most of you wouldn't, but please don't take it personally. We're just trying to figure out what is best for our future. And we need some privacy and space to figure everything out.

No words

5 days

We leave in 5 days to head for North Carolina. This was our last weekend at home (hopefully) just the two of us. His bags are packed & our bags are somewhat packed. The nursery is stocked and ready. The basinet is next to where I sleep. For now it is empty...but (hopefully) not for long.

I've spent a lot of time in the nursery lately; nesting, if you will. I've organized the baby books, folded all of his clothes (which contrary to Jim's belief, is the perfect amount)... and I've sat in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, rocking our "imaginary baby", except he's not imaginary. He's in Dinesha's belly.  He is our son. "In a matter of weeks, will I be sitting here, snuggling our son, rocking him, loving him, and thanking God?" "Could this actually be happening?", I ask myself. I smile because in my heart, the answer is yes. But I am so scared. I am so scared of the small chance that this beautiful, strong, independent, loving woman will decide to parent, and we will go home empty handed once again.

We have built such an incredible relationship with Dinesha. We love her. She calls me Care bear because I am always sending her love. We talk daily - about the hard stuff, about the funny stuff, about future stuff, all of it. We are so grateful that she wants an Open Adoption. We wouldn't want it any other way. She will be our family, too. I am excited for when our family can meet her. Not only will she always be such an important person in our life, but our entire family's as well.

I could go on and on about all of the emotions that are running through my heart and head. But I will leave it at this for now. We are anxious and ready for the next chapter to unfold. And we hope to share some good news in the next few weeks.

Much love,

Anne & Jim

Article

My mother posted this article on Facebook, and I shared it as well. I was thinking since this blog is sort-of a diary for me, I would post it here, as well; something to look back on. A lot of this article strikes a chord with me. And I'm sure once our son is at home with us, I will relate to even more.

Registries & Things

Hello to all that have followed our adoption journey for the past (almost) two years! We are 41 days away from the scheduled C-section of baby boy. I know Dinesha is hoping for an earlier date....so we'll see if her wish is granted. In general, all is well. Our attorneys continue to work to complete all necessary documentation before baby boy is born. As for us, his things are packed and ready to throw in the car at a moments notice. We have talked to several friends and family that are willing to care for the house, Lilly, Leo, etc. If you want to be on the call list, let us know, we welcome the extra hands!


Some are asking about gift registries. Fortunately, we have most of the essentials already, so we aren't in need of anything major before heading to NC. Of course there are a few things we still need in general, and we've added a few "boy" items. You can find the list here.


www.babylist.com/anne-james-babymeek


If you feel so obliged - thank you. We do not plan on having any baby showers BEFORE baby's birth. We may plan on a celebration once we are back home. Stay tuned.


We'll continue to update the blog as often as we can. In the meantime, as always, please continue to keep Dinesha, baby boy, and us, in your prayers.


Anne & Jim

I love this site

Dinesha is generally feeling well. Some cramping and heaviness is to be expected at this stage in her pregnancy... and she is feeling all of it! Her scheduled C-section is June 8th. I am hoping she can keep cooking baby boy for another 3 weeks or so, but he will come when he wants to! His bags are packed and the nursery is ready.


In the meantime, I am enjoying this site and learning about baby boys growth. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days along side her.

In my mind I'm going to Carolina. . .

We had a lovely visit in NC this past weekend. Our flights were a breeze (which is incredible, actually, because we were flying Delta, which had cancelled 1,500 flights just days before and the aftermath was still very evident).  

We arrived in NC around noon, and grabbed a bite to eat, and freshened up (gotta make a good impression, i.e. not stink!). We drove to Dinesha’s house that was only a few miles down the road. She was outside with King, her son. We hugged on the porch and went inside to catch up. We had brought King some Batman toys that he was eager to play with. We sat on the floor, playing with King, and just talking. After about an hour, we loaded up the car and headed to Chuck E. Cheese. I hadn’t been to a CEC in about 30 years. It hasn’t changed... at all. In fact, most of the rides are exactly the same! Don’t you remember the one that looks like a bike with a parachute on it, and you pedal as it lifts you about 10’ off the ground?! Yeah, that’s still there. Anyway, we played games and got enough tickets for King to get a bag full of tootsie rolls; for which he was very pleased.  After Chuck E. Cheese, we went to dinner, and back to their house.  

The next day, Jim and I ran some errands just getting familiar with the area. We met up with King and Dinesha around 2:30 and packed a picnic lunch to take to the park. Jim and King were busy kicking around a ball that we brought for him, while Dinesha and I sat in the shade talking about adoption and future plans. We laughed, we joked, we talked important stuff. It was really, really nice. After about 4 hours, we headed back to her house so King could nap (and in reality, Jim and I needed one, too). We said our goodbyes, and were sad to have to leave after such a quick visit.

 When we checked out of the hotel at 4 am Monday, the receptionist had a bag that was dropped off for us. It was a gift bag that said “It’s a Boy!” with onesies picked out by Dinesha and King, some stuffed animals that have personal meaning to us through past conversations, and a Mother’s Day card with a loving note. We left NC feeling so warm and overjoyed. The weekend couldn’t have gone any better. We feel very fortunate to have found each other. Our blended family will be something very special and we are anxious to meet baby boy in 6-8 weeks.

 Thank you for your continued prayers.

 

Anne & Jim

Connection

We are excited to share that for the past several weeks, we have been communicating with a birthmother in North Carolina. Her name is Dinesha, and she is having a baby boy in early June. She is beautiful, funny, bright, and witty. We talk almost everyday and Jim and I plan to visit her the second weekend in April. We will keep you posted as things progress. Please keep us, Dinesha, and baby boy in your daily prayers.


Much love,
Anne & Jim

January Update

We just received our monthly update from Angel - Our profile went out 22 times to potential birthmothers and our website profile was viewed 89 times.

Wait

“It’s a constant struggle to sit in His sovereignty. When everything is falling apart in your mind, just to wait.” ~Walt Manis

18 Months

This Wednesday marks the beginning of our 18 month wait to find our forever baby. When we signed with Angel Adoption, Inc., we were told the average wait time was 12-18 months. Whelp.... here we are, 18 months in February. I keep reminding myself that what's meant to be, will be. And that God has many blessings coming our way. And really, at this point, we are closer to being parents, than we are from it. Angel claims 98% of their clients adopt within 24 months. Keep praying that we are one of the 98% and our baby will find us soon.


In other news, we were fortunate to be gifted a getaway in paradise - Cancun, Mexico. Last week, Jim and I spent 7 nights and 6 days relaxing, reading, and loving each other. I don't think Jim or I realized how badly we needed to get away and regroup.  It was the perfect vacation. I wouldn't change a thing. Well, chair clips; I'd bring chair clips for our towels :-)

MLK Day

Happy Martin Luther King Day!


Since this is our Passage to Parenthood blog, it seemed only appropriate to share this with you today. If you haven't followed this series, I recommend that you do. This lively, New York Times Bestselling biography series inspires kids to dream big, one great role model at a time. You'll want to collect each book.