I've come across several blogs that list "things not to say" to people when they announce they are adopting. Most of them were spot on. In fact, it's only been two months into this process and we've already heard each one of these. Hey, it's a learning process for all of us. xoxo
You just wait, now you'll get pregnant!
This is the most common thing people have said to me when we told them we are adopting. I'm sure there are many wonderful stories of people adopting and then getting pregnant. BUT... this is not the case for everyone. You don't know what the couple has been through or why they haven't been able to have biological children, so don't assume because you've heard about it happening that it will happen for this couple. Saying, "now you'll get pregnant," in a way says, "don't worry, there is still hope that you can have 'your own' child." Instead, just congratulate the couple that they will soon have "their own" child through adoption!
Ohhh (concerned voice), my brother's friend's cousin's daughter's uncle adopted and [insert adoption horror story].
Listen, there are sad adoption stories, no doubt about that. As adoptive parents, it's a risk we know we are very possibly signing up for. A risk we are willing to take, because we know the potentially rocky road will eventually lead us to our little one. BUT, we don't need someone else to remind us of the potential heartbreak. Instead of adding to our fear, how about offering to pray for our adoption journey!?
We've always wanted to adopt too! Maybe, someday, after we have a few of our own.
OK, if you're serious about adopting down the road, then awesome! But, 1.) please know the children we adopt will be "our own" 2.) Good for you that you can pick, choose and plan when and how to have your family... But please don't make it sound as if it's as easy as going to the Human Society to pick out a puppy. If you are serious, we'd be happy to fill you in on adoption and the process; if not, just don't go there.
That child will be so lucky to have you as parents/You have such big hearts to adopt those children.
I believe these two comments come from a loving place and thank you for your nice compliments. BUT, let me let you in on a few little secrets: We are not adopting children to achieve sainthood. We are adopting children because we want children and a family. So, while it's true we have big hearts and lots of love to share... that's just being a good parent. You're right, the child we adopt will be lucky, but WE are a zillion-trillion-gazillion times luckier to be blessed with that child. Lastly, please don't say "those children" like they are dirty or lesser in any way than someone's biological children. "those children" are made by the same God that blesses families' biological children.
Aren’t you afraid that your child may have inherited some of their birthparents’ less desirable traits? No. Aren’t you afraid yours has? Sorry, got a little bitter, there. But you get my point.
You can have mine!: Be positive in front of us. We don't want yours – although we would do anything in the world to make them feel loved. We want our own and we want you to appreciate your own.
You are young - You have plenty of time! It doesn’t matter how old or young we are – if we want a baby, we want a baby. To us, everyone on Facebook and Instagram is taking pictures of their bump and announcing their pregnancy. We want what they have - maybe what you have. Please be considerate that everyone makes their family in their own way, but not always in their own time.
Well, the great thing is, you'll never have to go through childbirth. You're right!
I will never get to experience one of the defining characteristics of woman-hood. I’ll never get to share the experiences that my mother, cousins, friends, and 98% of the rest of women go through. Thank you for pointing out that the thing that I looked forward to will never happen. You don’t need to validate our choice. Especially by presenting a very emotionally damaging issue in a positive light.
What it’s really about
It’s about the child, not the parent. All of these questions and statements are really parent-focused, instead of child-centric. When you meet a couple that’s adopting, don’t focus on
them and
their story; focus on their children. Treat an adopting couple like any other expecting couple. Ask them about the children: Do you want a boy or a girl? Do you have names, a nursery? Will the child be a Bears fan or Packers fan? Adopting couples want to be parents, just like anyone else. Don’t single us out with statements or questions that make us feel inferior and inadequate. Celebrate our future children just like you would anyone else’s.
