Control

Control. This is something we have zero of. Control is one of the biggest challenges with the adoption process. Well, lack there of. I started to feel that in some ways, being matched with a birthmother was like being pregnant - meaning the natural fears of the well-being for this growing baby. How every time we went to a sonogram or appointment, I found myself deathly afraid of bad news. I thought it was because of our two pregnancies, we can only relate pregnancy to bad news. Luckily, my friends that are mothers reassured me that it's normal to feel that way. It's a mom thing.

But what is unlike being pregnant is that this child is not in MY belly. I can't control what the birthmother is consuming. Is she taking her prenatal vitamins? Is she not sleeping on her back? Is she's singing to our sweet girl like I would be everyday? Is she falling in love with this baby like I am? Is she going to change her mind? Ugh... that's the most terrifying one of all.

What if this doesn't happen?

Six months is a really long time to be matched with a birthmother. In some ways, it's beautiful -  especially for our daughter. She will know so much more about her birthparents than most adopted children. But selfishly, for Jim and me, it's exhausting. It's exhausting to stress every time I send a text message and she doesn't respond. It's exhausting to rely on someone else to fill us in with doctors information and test results. It's exhausting to want to plan and design a nursery, when in the back of your mind you are terrified that you'll end up having the saddest garage sale ever. It's exhausting to pick another name and be terrified that you won't be able to have it be a reality. It's exhausting to not be able to enjoy this journey 100% .

Today is one of those days where Jim and I really feel out of control and scared. For no particular reason, it's just one of those days. The fear creeps in and it takes over for a bit. Tomorrow will be better. We will find the strength to keep on down the road. We will grasp on to Hope and hold it close. It's all we can do.