It's Sunday evening and I'm sitting outside - where I've been for the past hour or so...just sitting here; wondering how I am feeling. I am usually completely in tune with my feelings, and truly, I'm lost. I can't pinpoint my thoughts and emotions. It's actually unnerving. I know at first, maybe I was trying to protect myself. I know Thursday, the day before it all happened, I was unsettled. My skin was crawling and I was so tense. It's like I knew. I didn't want to go back to the darkness. It took me so long to feel "normal" after Nora, and I DID NOT want to go back to that place. But aren't I there? Aren't I in the dark place? I don't want to be around people. I sleep most of the time. I show no emotion. Would you believe me if I told you I haven't even cried? I haven't. A few triggers have gotten me close... but nothing. Do I have nothing left? Is this what I would expect to happen? Let's be real, all we know about starting a family is despair.

Jim and I have talked a lot about that over the past few days. We've talked that we don't know what to do. We've spent the past five years (almost) trying to build our family. We tried for 6 months until I developed pain from an ovarian cyst, only to come out of surgery to find out getting pregnant naturally was a long shot. So we did what we were told was next. We did 3 rounds of IVF, one round of IVF with donor eggs, and came out with 2 miscarriages. Starting in September of 2015, we began our adoption journey. Matched right away with Chris & Brandi, only to discover we were being scammed 3 months in. March of 2016, we were matched with Ayanna, together throughout the pregnancy, there for birth, had sweet Nora for 7 days, and lost her. February of 2017, matched with Dinesha. Talked everyday until the day before we were meant to travel, only to find out from our attorney that she changed her mind.

What are we supposed to do now? We've tried everything. Given it our all; our bodies, our hearts, our finances, all of it. And we've come out with nothing. It's all just so confusing. We are so tired. I am so sad for our souls. I just feel like we're are giving so much, with little to no return, and it's breaking our souls. Every time we lose a baby, or even a prospect, we are devastated. We watch our friends and loved ones move on to build their families with ease and I don't understand why it has to be so hard for us?? Is it not in the cards for us? Do we start to accept this, and slowly move on to a life without children? But I can't help but wonder "why would God put having a family in our hearts so strongly, only to have it be impossible?" Yet, that's just one of many questions I have for God. . .

I didn't work this week. And I don't plan to this week, either. I'm just not ready. My boss is amazing. He's been right there supporting us from the beginning and I am grateful. I'll go back the following week. I mean, I have to. I can't avoid people for much longer. But for now, I will take this time to figure out what I am feeling so I can heal. Jim is doing okay. Some days are better than others. For the most part, he likes to stay busy. He works a bit, comes home and crashes. We've been talking and sharing feelings daily, and for that, I am thankful. We have each other.